2,000 Greater & Lesser Mysteries

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From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A long Item This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is. *************************** You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering. There is an unfinished lab book here. There is a chemistry book here. There are socks here. There are empty beer bottles here. There is a computer here. There are six moldy bananas here. There are several tons of dirty laundry here. There are shattering cups here. There is a refrigerator here. There is a desk with drawers here. > turn off music Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering. > play beach boys Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points. > fix stereo The stereo is shattered beyond repair. > curse stereo "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!" The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room is making it hard to move. > look at socks They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move. > clean up socks. You can't. They're all welded together. > throw socks out window They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the ground, and shatter. > leave room 24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit. > kick dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > yell at dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > feed dave Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more. > eat dave's head You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice. Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here. > work on lab book You don't have the lab book. > pick up lab book It is very heavy. You are carrying too much. > inventory You are carrying: A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. A very large ring of Keys. A (much too small) bag of weed. A package +3 papers of zig-zag. > look papers The papers are blank. > drop keys You load lightens considerably. > pick up lab book You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end. > do chemistry lab You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does the lab. You are thirsty. > open refrigerator A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed. > drink cheap beer You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters something about being left out. > kick dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > offer beer to dave Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and leaves. > leave room You can't. You're suffering from a hangover. > open desk There is some aspirin here. > eat aspirin YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better. > leave room The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings. > unlock door You can't. Your keys are in the room. > open doors You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave. > leave room As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks. You are back in the hall. You are hungry. > south You come to a lounge. There is a door here. There are two chairs here. There is a desk here. Tony is here, studying chemistry. > greet tony Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit." > commiserate with tony Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are still hungry. > open door There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the west. There is a walkway to the south. > down There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They comment loudly on your nudity. > west You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the cafeteria is to the north. > north They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly ejected. > inventory You are carrying: A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. An (even smaller) bag of weed. A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag. > wear shirt You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die. > wear shorts You are now a bulging wonder. > north You are in a room full of simulated food. > eat food You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous. > south You are in a quad. > smoke weed You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10 points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of Spam. > north You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable munchables. > eat food You need a tray first. > get tray You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion. > eat food You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites you are full. You have food poisoning. > leave You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food poisoning. > search cafeteria You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar. > drink bottle Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre- enrollment line? > take small sip A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out. > take small small sip You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract, killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning. You pass out. After two hours, you wake up. You are in a quad. > west You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world does a tap dance on your face. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz. > west There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path. > kick lesbian She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist bastard. > wait The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive patriarchal system. > smell lesbian Don't do that. > pull leg hairs You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q. points. You wake up numb from the waist down. You are in a quad. > west There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path. > bash male sex The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off. > west This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west. The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a path to the southwest. > southwest You arrive at the mailhouse. > look in mailbox There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box. > look in box The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split- second reflexes. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box. > lunge You get your spot. > look in box It's packed to the bursting point. > open box You goof up. > again You goof up. > again You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here. There is a letter here. > read letter You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love letter... from a total stranger. > check address Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been airboxed. > north You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to get to their boxes. > howl Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in confusion, giving you time to make your escape. > north You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to follow you, hoping for more. There is a very small grove of trees to the east. > east You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others. There are some fembots here. > southeast You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others. There are some fembots here. > east You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others. There are some fembots here. > south You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others. There are some fembots here. > south You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner. There are some fembots here. There are some shattered sweat socks here. There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here. There is a book of matches here. There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the lamppost. > Get matches. Taken. > burn notice Don't you want to see what it says first? > burn notice There are many trees nearby. > burn notice godammit You must first light a match. > light match The match refuses to burn. > drop match You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest. > light second match The second match bursts into flame. > burn notice The notice burns with a pleasant green flame. > get bottle You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!" > north You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a north-south path here. There are some fembots here. There are some protesters here. Your fingers are getting warm. > north You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a building to the north. There are some fembots here. There is some chanting coming from the south. Your fingers are burning. > Drop match You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn. > Suck on fingers The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave. The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now. There is a match burning on the ground. > step on match You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the process. You should remember to wear shoes more often. There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground. > wear shoes You move very quietly now. > north You smack your head into the building. The building does not move. Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam. > east You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West. > east You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have not attended in three weeks. > sit You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself, causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you a copy of the midterm. > look test You look at the test. The problems on the first page are impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse. Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points. > do test This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator. You realize that failing this exam means failing the course. > borrow pencil Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize your request. > steal pencil You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not notice. > do test You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct. > do second problem Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental resources. You suffer a brain embolism. > do problem You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot move. > wait Time passes... > wait Time passes... > wait Time passes. You can move now. > smoke test Do you really want to do that? > smoke test As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to turn in. > write answers What do you want to write the answers on? > paper You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have truly smoked this test. > east You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east. > north You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut behind you. > Tie shoelaces You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now only be removed by surgery. -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.